"You are responsible for your own happiness."
This quote, along with many others, guided me on my life's journey.
Early in my life, I noticed that adults around me rarely cried, screamed, or engaged in conflict, at least not in the same way as me or the other kids. It seemed as though adults always knew how to react in any situation. However, as I grew older, conflicts persisted. They occurred within me, between me and those close to me, and even in the news and on television, where I witnessed struggles and fights, both big and small. I may have been exceptionally naive, but I believed that being an adult meant having the ability to navigate any situation. I thought I could control my emotions through self-discipline, appearing indifferent, and concealing any hurt. I smiled and moved on because I believed that "I was responsible for my own happiness." I managed to convince myself of this, and I thought my emotional armor served me well.
In reality, I was suppressing my emotions, not addressing them. This was my flawed concept of control, and it led to a host of unresolved issues in my mind. Resentment and regret began to fester within me. I had rarely approached these feelings with clarity, confrontation, apologies, or true forgiveness. Most of the time, I dismissed them as mere "whining." My growing frustration, as I got older, would often manifest as random bursts of anger. I had no idea where this anger was coming from: "I, who wasn't even considered a highly emotional person, who was supposed to be stronger than most."
When I started meditating, I felt a profound readiness to look inward and confront what lay within. I knew I needed to change but had no idea how to do so. The meditation method opened the Pandora's box of my heart and mind, allowing me to confront and release thousands of pent-up experiences. I came to realize that much of the pain I carried was rooted in feelings of inferiority. Before meditation, I had considered myself relatively free from such feelings. I had been a master at concealing them, it seemed. Some of the pain I uncovered had been suppressed because it felt trivial and childish to me. Nonetheless, it had lingered in my mind, concealed throughout my life.
As my mind began to clear and lighten, I gained the strength to stand up for myself and express my thoughts when necessary. It was a clumsy process initially, but I eventually found my footing. This process also helped me acknowledge my own mistakes and release them.
I no longer wander, blaming others and holding onto grudges as I once did. I trust myself to make decisions in different situations, but I also recognize that not everything is entirely within my control or responsibility. It's liberating to work through what we typically label as "negative experiences." Every situation is an opportunity to learn, delve deeper, and excavate.
In this way, I have truly become responsible for my own happiness.
Hildur
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